Three weeks ago we investigated, Uniform Urination: Analysis of Peeing Postures, where we discussed various forms of male relief. What happens if you cannot go when the urge is pulsing for release? We all suffer from pee shyness at least once in our lives and I experienced an episode after my harrowing hernia operation at Lenox Hill hospital where the head nurse would not discharge me until I peed after surgery.

I drank a lot of water. I was dehydrated. My doctor didn’t allow any liquids for 24 hours before surgery. If you plan to pee you need to have something to pee out and it took several hours of drinking cranberry juice and water before the need to pee even began to tingle. When it came time to die or pee trying, the nurse followed me into the bathroom to make sure I wasn’t faking it.

I’ve never taken a drug test but I imagined how difficult it must be to pee with someone watching you. I couldn’t do it. I tried. Nothing came out. Sensing my shyness, she backed off a couple of feet to give me slightly more privacy.

She warmed up to become my friend and not my Warden. She rattled off all the things we would try together to get me to pee so we could both go home for the day.

First she suggested I do math problems in my head. She said that would disconnect my mind from my plumbing. Then nature would take over while the socialized brain worked on something else. I tried adding. I tried subtracting. I multiplied. Nothing. Still dry. Then she wanted me to sing.

“Engaging the melodious voice,” she claimed, “sometimes clicks a switch in the body that allows a mellow release.” My throat was dry from a day without water and I couldn’t hold a note. No streaming entertainment was dribbling forth.

Finally, she said the one thing that worked 100% of the time with her male hernia patients was running water. She turned on the cold water full blast in all four sinks.

The sound of frothing water echoed across the tiled bathroom. She told me to listen to the water and to close my eyes and to relax my entire body and to “become the water.”

Before she could finish saying “become the water” the golden arc was foaming in the urinal cake. I was melting with relief.

“Is it happening?” “Yes,” I whispered, “happening.”

“A hundred percent,” she said behind me as her voice trailed away into the hallway.

I was left alone with spigots as waterfalls and a personal fountain as evidence all internal connections were still working and normally pumping. I had not only become the water. I was the pee.

30 Comments

  1. Good morning David. That reminds me of an incident I had while hospitalized many years ago. It’s kind of the reverse of your experience. I was 17 years old and was puking blood, (turns out that I had a stomach ulcer) the doctor had ordered an upper and lower GI so I was removed from any food or drink at midnight, I did have an IV in my arm so I was immobile. The nurse was to administer a Fleets enema. Not ever having had an enema I didn’t know what to expect and I’m guessing the nurse didn’t either. As soon as she had squeezed out the content of the bottle my bowels decided to fight back. She had not prepared in advance with a bed pan. I kept telling her she was moments away from deadly fecal matter being spewed about the room at the speed of light as she searched the room for a bed pan. I could wait no longer and fortunetly there was enough slack in the IV line for me to barely reach the toilet. I wished later that I left her a mess to clean up because of her ineptness.

  2. Rich!
    Wowser, what a story! I guess there isn’t such a thing as “Poop Shyness” when it comes to a Fleets enema and a willing backside.
    I wonder what she thought would happen? Most people can’t hold an enema activated internally for more than a few minutes anyway. Did she think she’d fill you up and you’d hold it for an hour while she had a sandwich? Crazy!
    I’m glad you made it to the bathroom. You know she wouldn’t have cleaned you up or your room up enough to get rid of the lingering smell if it had all come out in your bed.

  3. This takes me back to when I was in hospital after having an emergency casaerean section to deliver my son. The Midwives had decided to keep an eye on me to make sure that I was “functioning properly” so to speak, which meant having to pee into a jug for them.
    They decided that I was going to sit on the Bidet, (I’m sure you know what those are!) and I have to tell you, the feeling was pure bliss! However, ten minutes after I was returned to my room, the Midwife entered and asked me if I’d peed whilst sitting on the bidet. I said ummm …. nope. Then she asked if I was sure. Ummm …. yep. And out the room she walked. I never did find out why she wanted to know. The subject was never brought up again.
    Strangely enough I was told that same day that everything seemed to be in working order and I didn’t have to pee into the jug anymore. But even today, I still wonder why she wanted to know if I’d peed whilst sat on the Bidet.

  4. Hi Dawn!
    I bet the bidet peeing incident had to do with, perhaps, infections? Having water shoot upward while you’re peeing risks the chance that some of that water or some other matter might go up and in the wrong tube? That could be risky for a new mother. A peeing jug is safer. There’s no reverse pressure pushing back up at you.
    Hospitals and doctors love pee. It tells them a lot. When I was young you always had to pee in a cup at every doctor’s visit for testing. Now, at least in New York, they don’t do that so much. They prefer to test your blood instead. Still… there are certain things that show up in urine better than blood… like increased levels of protein that can suggest early kidney problems or high blood pressure. I always ask my doctors now if they want a urine sample when I have a physical and they always look at me like I’m crazy. My, how times have changed!

  5. Thanks for that David!
    I must say, it would have at least been nice of the midwife to explain this to me lol. I mean, they remove the Catheter in the morning, take me to the Bidet at Lunchtime, then start asking me weird questions about my body functions without explaining themselves lol. As you can imagine, I felt more than a little freaked out.
    When she asked me if I was sure though, that almost took the cake. I was REALLY tempted to say yes of course, you think I can’t tell when I’m peeing??
    And now I’m going to shut up lol, because I’m sure I’m just rambling on about nothing 😀

  6. Hi Dawn —
    Next time, ask why they want to know before you answer. Then you’ll know why they want to know before you tell them what you know.
    😉
    I am glad you are okay and everything worked out in your favor.
    Sometimes… men don’t always know when we’re peeing — a swimming pool, a shower, a hot tub… A BIDET… are all massaging opportunities to let something release on purpose — or in spite of our better intentions!
    :mrgreen:

  9. YUCK!
    Thanks SO much for that mental image! And right as I head back to bed too lol. They say laughter is the best medicine, but it’s not doing much for this Summer Cold I have 🙁
    Have a good day David!

  11. I had no ideas cigars were good for cleansing your palate. I thought smoking killed taste buds and that’s why a lot of smokers use a lot of salt on their food?
    I appreciate knowing the difference between on/off-premises managers and you managed to work it all into a comment on peeing! Thanks for that!
    Do you still have that job?

  12. Hi
    I remember having the exact same conversation with my son when he was small and in hospital after a hernia operation – and turning on the taps having the same effect – much to his relief. He was going red in the face trying bless him.

  13. Hi Nicola —
    It’s amazing how the sound of water can relax us enough to start the process of peeing.
    One of my friends at a medical school would go into the women’s room and she would find all the faucets turned on and there would be one woman in a stall. My friend would always turn off the water when she left. One day she went back into the restroom 30 seconds after she left to retrieve her bag and she found all the faucets turned back on!
    From then on it became a game. My friend felt the woman peeing was wasting water. The woman trying to pee in the stall couldn’t pee without the water running. What a strange comedy!

  15. When I was being hired to work for the post office as a Christmas temp, I had to do a drug screen.
    I knew I had nothing to worry about, but the thought of having to go “on demand” is always tough. I had drank enough water before hand — they had told us to be prepared, that it wasn’t a problem.
    Thinking back to the time, the people doing the test put a blue dye in the toilet water.
    I couldn’t figure out why they would do that, unless they thought someone might try to contaminate the sample.
    I’ve heard that many drug tests are done using blood samples now, so there’s no need to worry about peeing into a bottle. Also, there’s less chance of the subject being able to contaminate the specimen.
    Recently, I had to have a urinalysis as part of a routine check up my doctor wanted me to do.
    Fasting was required, but water was okay to drink.
    For whatever reason, I didn’t drink as much water as usual and when it came time to go, I couldn’t.
    I had to wait, think about it, and when I finally was able, my output equaled my input — a very small amount. I was thinking I might have to resort to turning on the water tap before I was able to go.
    The worst part was putting the cup into a bag and then carrying it back to the waiting nurse. The bathroom had a portal that could have been used, but the nurse told me just to bring it back after I was done.
    There’s no graceful way to carry a cup of pee anywhere.
    The opposite has been true, as well. Sometimes it’s almost impossible to not go!
    Once, when I was stuck in a traffic jam on I-294 in Illinois, nature called and I was tempted to just park on the side of the road, find a tree or other hiding place, and go.
    Fortunately, an Oasis was close by, so I rode the shoulder driving as fast I could hoping I’d be able to make there in time.
    Output equals input, so beware of the 48oz soft drink available at the gas station if there’s any chance of being stuck in traffic any place where you can’t get out of the car and find a tree!

  16. Hey Chris!
    What great information! I prefer blood tests over urine tests. They’re harder to fake.
    My doctor in Lincoln always wanted a “mid-stream” shot of urine for analysis. That meant you had to start peeing into the toilet for five seconds, stop peeing, place the cup in front of your for filling, then start peeing again to fill the cup, then stop before you ran out of urine to remove the cup and then finish the stream of remaining pee into the toilet. It was quite a hassle! I guess urine caught in mid-stream gives you a cleaner report or something…
    Oh, you are so right about the urge to go being one of the undeniably painful experiences you can ever have. Sometimes it’s best to pull over and pee right back into that empty 48oz soft drink cup if you must.
    What’s an “Oasis?” Is that a rest stop?

  17. Hi David,
    The Oasis is an Illinois Tollway rest stop that is built over the highway and offers a wide variety of services, such as Starbucks, Panda Chinese food, Subway, etc. They are nicer than the usual rest stops found on most highways.
    They are beautiful, nice places to stop. However, there are hints that there is some corruption involved in the projects.
    From Wikipedia:

    Recently, an extensive renovation program was completed on these oases (most were built in the late 1950s and featured Standard Oil gas stations and Fred Harvey restaurants). This involved demolishing the old oases strucutures to the bridge deck and replacing them with new buildings. Where in the previous buildings the view of the highways were blocked by the vendor restaurants, in the new buildings large expanses of glass are used to create a sense of openess, and to give patrons excellent views of the highway. The steel truss design also has greater height (nearly 30′) than the old buildings, which increases visibility for the oases. The architects for the project are Cordogan, Clark & Associates.
    The oases were redeveloped at no cost or risk to the Illinois State Toll Highway Authority (ISTHA). The $95 million investment was provided by Wilton Partners of Los Angeles, CA and ExxonMobil in exchange for a 25 year lease.
    The lease agreements between ISTHA, Wilton Partners, and various vendors have come under investigation by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald. This investigation, reported on 30 December 2005, will determine if a conflict of interest existed between the lessees and a political fundraiser for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (Antoin Rezko). [2] [3] DuPage County State’s Attorney Joe Birkett had also requested documents pertaining to these leases earlier in 2005. [4]

  18. I forgot the Wikipedia link for Illinois Tollway Oasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illinois_Tollway_Oasis
    Also, here’s some additional information from Crain’s Chicago about the Oasis document requests:

    Wilton Partners President Scott Mayer said the company is in the process of putting together the information requested by the tollway.
    Birkett’s office is asking for the information under the Freedom of Information Act and stressed its investigation is a civil and not criminal one.
    “I don’t want to give the impression that we know there’s something criminal here. We don’t,” the Republican state’s attorney said. “I do not want to give the impression that I have formed any opinions.”
    The Chicago Tribune has reported at least one vendor chosen by Wilton Partners to operate at the oases could be traced to two Gov. Rod Blagojevich advisers. The vendor’s identity was not disclosed in documents submitted by Wilton Partners.

  19. More fun news from ABC7Chicago‘s “I-Team” on the Tollway Oases:

    The I-Team uncovered a food contract between the Illinois Tollway and a company that has ties to a mega millionaire. Eddie Debartolo Jr. is also a convicted felon. Debartolo was once caught bribing Louisiana’s governor with a briefcase full of cash.
    A company launched by Debartolo is opening pizzerias inside every renovated tollway oasis in Illinois. Tollway officials defend the deal.
    Eddie Debartolo Jr. is one of the country’s 300 richest men. The Notre Dame graduate’s net worth is estimated at more than $900-million, made mostly through primarily from real estate and shopping centers.
    Debartolo was the owner of the NFL’s San Francisco 49er’s. He was forced to permanently leave the business after pleading guilty in a gambling scandal involving a corrupt southern governor. Now Debartolo’s pizza place is open for business at the O’Hare Oasis in Schiller Park.

  20. Here’s an ABC7Chicago news story about the Oasis links to the Gov’s political buddies:

    Two of Governor Rod Blagojevich’s friends and advisers have links to vendors that got profitable restaurant contracts for the state’s revamped tollway oases.

    I promise it will be the last post.
    I don’t want my I-PASS to be disconnected! Just kidding. 🙂
    Despite all of the controversies, the Oases are excellent places for visitors and do a great job of promoting Illinois’ image to travelers.
    I wish Indiana’s rest areas were as nice.

  21. Hey Chris!
    Wow! Thanks for all these fantastic comments this morning. You should’ve kept going!
    😀
    So our Patrick Fitzgerald is going after both Scooter Libby and the Oases in Illinois, eh?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Fitzgerald
    He sure gets around!
    The Oasis places are wonderful. I haven’t seen anything similar in Nebraska or Iowa or New Jersey or New York. It is a fantastic idea.

  22. Well, I’ll have to submit drug testing shortly and I suffer from shy bladder. Through a website I connected with three other guys in the area and we meet weekly to “practice” peeing in front of other guys. I had this problem since High School. When I’m with the guys, I have no problem whatsoever. I think it’s because we all know we have this problem. It’s being next to guy who doesn’t know makes it all the worse for me. Sometimes I can go, sometimes I can’t. It’s embarassing for me but I’m not alone in this. At least I’m taking some action to overcome this common phobia. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to pee all the time in public restrooms, but I have a real problem with drug testing. With alternatives available like hair follical or blood testing, it seems there can be reasonable accommodation to guys like me. I’m drug free and I’m not hiding anything. I’m willing to prove it at any time at work. But, this pee testing is really driving me nuts. Not sure how I’ll deal with it when it comes to my turn. I think the only solution is fess up to my problem and say “this will take time” to provide a sample. I expect I’ll have to sit on the pot and force everything out include poop. This is a very real phobia condition that some say over 7% of the male population suffer from. That’s a lot of guys. I’m not chronic and it really doesn’t hold me back in life. I do and go where I want and have no real issues. It’s this durg testing where I freeze up. Again, I’m drug free and only hope I can squeeze enough out when the time comes. Anyone else have this problem?

  24. I recently had my first ever employment drug screen. I had a cup of coffee before hand, which I now realize was not that large a cup of coffee. I had never had a problem peeing on demand in a medical setting (doctor’s office); however, the atmosphere at these drug testing places is somewhat different from at a medical office. It is more like a business office and less like a doctor’s office. Somehow it is a bit more disconcerting being asked to pee by a woman wearing a business suit than by a nurse–at least for me. There is a certain message, I think, that the people are projecting in running the tests that says ‘I have a job and for you to get a job you need to endure this indignity’.
    She gave me a cup and asked me to pee up to the 45ml line. She did not follow me into the bathroom but waited right outside the door. I was able to pee up to the 45ml line, but not much beyond it. However, when I showed her this sample, she said it was not sufficient and said I needed to produce ‘much’ more. At this point, I became nervous, even though I hadn’t been before, because she didn’t seem to be being reasonable (having said 45ml but then demanding more). Because of my nervousness, I wasn’t able to produce much more pee, despite having several cups of water. Eventually, when I got it up to about 60ml, she finally said that was okay.
    I wasn’t that nervous initially but I think she was messing with me for some reason in demanding more than the originally contracted quantity, and that made me more nervous than I was at first. Perhaps the job will require me to exceed expectations and this was a first test of that principle 🙂 .

  27. Pingback: Peeing On Your New Guitar | Boles Blues

  29. i have to take a drug test for a mandatory drug program in school. and i cannot pee in front of others! i have tried twice before and had no luck even when my bladder was completely full and about to burst. i have tried closing my eyes, ignoring the person, running water, and math problems, yet nothing seems to work! does anyone have any other sugestions? is it possible to get a doctors note that states i suffer from anxiety and get a blood test taken instead?

  30. Idk what to do I try to pee in front of my boyfriend all the time we both have a pee fetish and he tried running the water but I just couldn’t think of going! Can u plz help me?

Comments are closed.