Hosea the Hosebag Wins Top Chef

Hosea “The Hosebag” won Top Chef Five last night on Bravo and I can’t remember a more dislikable person winning the whole thing in any previous season — we came close with that awful red-haired witch almost winning it all, but that’s another rant for another day.  Throughout this season’s competition, Hosea was Too Hot for co-cooker contestant Leah, and when they “only kissed” we knew something more happened because neither Hosea nor Leah could look each other in the eye after that “kiss” and their relationship was never the same again. Both Leah and Hosea had betrothed their hearts to others before the competition. Sorry, but I don’t feel like rooting for a Hosebag Cheater as my Top Chef.

Judge Judy loves to say — “If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true” — and Hosea’s win doesn’t make any sense at all based on his performance over the season.

If you’re giving Hosea the win for a single meal, as it appeared was the judges’ want last night, he still didn’t measure up to his competitors and we know that by the heavily pro-Hosea American judges excusing his poor performance while UK food critic Toby Young — and fill-in judge this year — appeared perplexed and strangely alone as he rightfully argued European chef Stefan was more consistent across the arc of the season and that his final meal made more sense because he created a dessert even though he wasn’t required to do so.

The winning numbers tell the real story of the season:

Stefan won four Quickfire challenges, four elimination challenges and landed in the top group twice and foundered in the bottom only three times.

Carla, the other finalist, won a Quickfire, three eliminations and was in the top twice and scraped the bottom three times.

However, winning chef Hosea the Hosebag, only won a single Quickfire and two eliminations, he was top two twice and was the worst chef four times.

The winning numbers do not compute in the final analysis.

Stefan was impossible and persnickety throughout the season but, in the end, he knew food and loved flavors, and he was passionate about the history of eating and his want to propagate his good taste in our mouths:  That’s why we love him.

Carla came on strong in the end only to give up her vision to an assistant chef brought in to help Carla realize her final food vision.  Huh?  Exactly!

Hosea’s win makes no sense and stinks of a setup. 

Was there a cultural prejudice against Stefan because he was cocky and “foreign” and Bravo wanted an American to win it all this year?

Why did Bravo want a cheater to win?