How Not to Find a Jewish Wife

This article is a little tip for Jewish men (that’s what she said!) who are looking for a wife in New York City.

These seven little tips come courtesy of my beloved wife Janna who — over the last six months or so — has had to put up with the following inquiries of marriage from Jewish men in New York City even though she is sublimely, and happily, married to yours truly.

1. Don’t assume a woman is Jewish just because she is beautiful, has glistening dark hair and glimmering dark eyes. You are making stereotypical assumptions in the streets and arbitrarily applying them to real people — some of whom were born in the Midwest with a heavily Christian upbringing.

2.  Desperate is not sexy.  If time is running out and your family is pressuring you to find a betrothed, that’s your problem.  Don’t make your peril a stranger’s, too.

3.  Don’t bump into a woman as hard as you can and then, before apologizing for your intentional rudeness, you ask, “Are you Jewish?”

4.  Don’t invite yourself to sit down at a Starbucks table and — before your seat is even planted in your chair — you yell, “Are you Jewish?”

5.  Never, ever, send your children to do a man’s work.  When a woman exits a store and is immediately surrounded by three beautiful Jewish children wearing yarmulkes and peering up with wet, wondering, eyes and shouting — “Are you Jewish?!” — while simultaneously pointing to their fully peyosed father coyly waving at you across the street… is just plain wrong.  Man up!  Don’t send a child to do a father’s job!

6.  No woman should have to wear a shirt that says, in bold print, “Not Jewish!  No inquiries within!” (that’s what she said!).

7.  Before making an “Are you Jewish?” approach, first do some independent investigation.  Why risk an episode if you can avoid a confrontation with some preparation?  If you don’t have time to do research and the moment is passing and you must catch that example of traditional “Jewish beauty” before she leaves your sight — let her go!  Miss the opportunity!  It was not meant to be because you’re only guessing your wants and assuming your wishes and not basing your passion on plain fact.

You were brave to read this far. Non-Jewish women across New York City thank you.