Jimmy Spins the World

Jimmy is the 62-year-old handyman of our building — though he always calls himself “manager.”  You never want to be caught in the same hallway with Jimmy or you’ll be stuck there for at least an hour getting regaled with stories that teeter between fact and fiction and balance on fantasy. 
The first thing you think when you see Jimmy is, “Run the other way!”  Last week, I was caught with no means of escape in the basement of our building.  This is my story of Jimmy spinning the world.

This is no real logic in what comes out of Jimmy’s mouth.  It all sort of cascades as he inhales and blooms as he speaks.  The fact that he stutters gives eye to the notion that his mind crookedly wanders forward as he struggles to finish a sentence in the past.

Here are the nuggets of information Jimmy shared with me that, you too, should now keep in your bag of coping tricks:

The world is ending soon.  Massive world war coming.  The big one like no other.  No one will be safe.  There will be no escape.

Also, the entire East Coast of the USA will soon be broken off in an
earthquake on a fault line three miles off the coast of New York City
and we’ll all fall into the Atlantic Ocean.  If you connect all the
recent earthquakes on a map, you will see how they begin to form a
circle around the earth.  The missing point in closing that circle is in
North America — three miles off the coast of New York City.  There’s a
volcano on the ocean floor that will erupt, start the earthquake, and
send a 90-foot high tsunami crashing into all of New York City.

Buy paper stocks.  We all need paper.  Buildings are made of paper.  The world runs on paper.  With the massive war coming, the price of paper will only rise. 

He’s moving to the mountains of Pennsylvania in a year to avoid the East Coast earthquake/volcano/tsunami.

The world is off-balance and three inches off its axis.  The earth always wants to right itself, but the core its now hollow because of mining coal and different minerals and because oil was sucked from the ground — so the only way for the world to “shake itself” back on its axis is by earthquake and tsunami and volcanic eruptions.

He stopped smoking after a 60-year habit.  Before he stopped smoking,
his doctor told him he “has the lungs of a 16-year old” and that was
because he drinks a lot of milk.  “Two shots of whiskey at night
followed by a lot of milk.  All the bad stuff in your body gets drawn
into the milk in your stomach and you poop it out.”  Jimmy didn’t say
“poop” — he used something a bit more crass.

Jimmy doesn’t like it that I work from home.  He thinks I’m the “executive type” and that I belong in an office.

So, there you have it:  The World as Jimmy Spins It. 

I have no idea if any of his opinions and rants have any basis in fact — some of them vaguely remind me of the plots from movies like “The Day After Tomorrow” and “2012” — but Jimmy certainly believes what he says, and he wants you to believe him, too.