Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon announced the names of their twins the other day, and the tasteless names perfectly match the obnoxiousness of their parents.  Wouldn’t you be a proud child to know your naked father manhandled your mother’s bare breasts in the pages of a public newspaper while you were still in utero?

Nick and Mariah have set up their twins for lifelong mockery.

Here’s why:

The boy Cannon is named “Moroccan” and, believe it or not, the child was named after a room in Mariah Carey’s apartment.  Was the room inspired by a rug or the country?  You know right now that the kid’s nickname growing up will be “Moron” because, as the old saying goes, “You can’t spell Moroccan without ‘Moron.'”

The girl Cannon isn’t really much better named.  She’s “Monroe”– the cheap laugh would also claim you can’t spell “Monroe” without “Moron” but that would be a doubleshot of mean that we don’t normally aspire to — but when the Carey-Cannons of the world offer up their children as fodder for public mocking, who are we to deny them our delight?

The official story goes that “Monroe” was named in honor of Marilyn Monroe — one of Mariah Carey’s longtime inspirations.  Really?  What is there to admire about Marilyn Monroe?  She was known for her naked body and not her mind.  She slept with married men.  She was talentless.  She was used and abused by men all her life.  She was a drug addict.  Her life ended in an overdose.  Where’s the inspiration in the life of Marilyn Monroe?  There is none.  Monroe’s life was spectacularly dismal — and if that’s the legacy Mariah Carey wants her female child to aspire to — whelp, there are two more Morons in the Carey-Cannon family canon than just Moroccan and Monroe.

We don’t like to pick on celebrity children — but celebrities can’t have it both ways — they can’t demand privacy and privilege for their offspring while wildly using their unborn children to enhance flailing careers in need of stark reparation.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon cogently created, on purpose — “The Moron Twins” — for us, and you can’t blame us for the naming because we didn’t pick those horrible monikers while squeezing the nipples off our wife.

11 Comments

    1. David Boles – New York City – David Boles was born in Nebraska and holds an MFA from the Oscar Hammerstein II Center for Theatre Studies at Columbia University in the City of New York. He is an author, dramatist, editor, publisher, and teacher who writes across the live stage, print, radio, television, film, and the web. With more than 50 books in print, David continues to write 2MM words a year and has authored over 25K articles. He is a member of the Dramatists Guild, the Authors Guild, and PEN America, and founded The United Stage advocacy platform on the principle that playwrights have a duty to direct their own work. Read the Prairie Voice Archive at Boles.com | Buy his books at David Boles Books Writing & Publishing at BolesBooks.com | Study with Script Professor at ScriptProfessor.com | Touch American Sign Language mastery at Hardcore ASL at HardcoreASL.com | Explore the Human Meme podcast at HumanMeme.com | Train with Boles Bells at BolesBells.com.
      David W. Boles says:

      It’s another example of the “insular rich” who don’t live real and ordinary lives. They’re surrounded by “yes” people who are paid to confirm their every wish and whinny. When the real world hits — and it always does — they are always shocked and surprised at the reaction of the great unwashed to their great ideas. Morons!

  2. ANNE – I live and teach on the upper West Coast of the United States. My interests are Philosophy, English, and Social Communication.
    anne says:

    Morons is right. What silly names from silly parents. Can they go away now?

    1. David Boles – New York City – David Boles was born in Nebraska and holds an MFA from the Oscar Hammerstein II Center for Theatre Studies at Columbia University in the City of New York. He is an author, dramatist, editor, publisher, and teacher who writes across the live stage, print, radio, television, film, and the web. With more than 50 books in print, David continues to write 2MM words a year and has authored over 25K articles. He is a member of the Dramatists Guild, the Authors Guild, and PEN America, and founded The United Stage advocacy platform on the principle that playwrights have a duty to direct their own work. Read the Prairie Voice Archive at Boles.com | Buy his books at David Boles Books Writing & Publishing at BolesBooks.com | Study with Script Professor at ScriptProfessor.com | Touch American Sign Language mastery at Hardcore ASL at HardcoreASL.com | Explore the Human Meme podcast at HumanMeme.com | Train with Boles Bells at BolesBells.com.
      David W. Boles says:

      We’ll be hearing about the morons for the next 20 years! I agree! Make them go away!

  3. What is also interesting to note about these names is that they both have the “Muh” and the “r-” sound, as in “Muh-riah”. Also the stress is on the “r-” syllable in all 3 names.

    1. David Boles – New York City – David Boles was born in Nebraska and holds an MFA from the Oscar Hammerstein II Center for Theatre Studies at Columbia University in the City of New York. He is an author, dramatist, editor, publisher, and teacher who writes across the live stage, print, radio, television, film, and the web. With more than 50 books in print, David continues to write 2MM words a year and has authored over 25K articles. He is a member of the Dramatists Guild, the Authors Guild, and PEN America, and founded The United Stage advocacy platform on the principle that playwrights have a duty to direct their own work. Read the Prairie Voice Archive at Boles.com | Buy his books at David Boles Books Writing & Publishing at BolesBooks.com | Study with Script Professor at ScriptProfessor.com | Touch American Sign Language mastery at Hardcore ASL at HardcoreASL.com | Explore the Human Meme podcast at HumanMeme.com | Train with Boles Bells at BolesBells.com.
      David W. Boles says:

      Ooo! Very good! Love that analysis. The names get even creepier! SMILE!

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    1. David Boles – New York City – David Boles was born in Nebraska and holds an MFA from the Oscar Hammerstein II Center for Theatre Studies at Columbia University in the City of New York. He is an author, dramatist, editor, publisher, and teacher who writes across the live stage, print, radio, television, film, and the web. With more than 50 books in print, David continues to write 2MM words a year and has authored over 25K articles. He is a member of the Dramatists Guild, the Authors Guild, and PEN America, and founded The United Stage advocacy platform on the principle that playwrights have a duty to direct their own work. Read the Prairie Voice Archive at Boles.com | Buy his books at David Boles Books Writing & Publishing at BolesBooks.com | Study with Script Professor at ScriptProfessor.com | Touch American Sign Language mastery at Hardcore ASL at HardcoreASL.com | Explore the Human Meme podcast at HumanMeme.com | Train with Boles Bells at BolesBells.com.
      David W. Boles says:

      Oh no! I really thought you were kidding around — NOBODY would be MORONIC enough to have a website called “DemBabies.com”for their twins — but, sure enough, there it is… it’s alive… ALIVE!

      I could have lived the rest of my life quite happily without ever having to visit that ridiculous site.

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