Jennifer wasn’t playing when she decided to get her hair did in ranch dressing.

“Forget those Jolly Rancher playas and childish imitatas,” she said, “I’m goin’ large with a huge tub o’ ranch dressin’ to get my hair did.”

Jennifer squeezed the gooey white goodness into her palms and massaged the ranch dressing into the hay-like straw that had become the ends of her hair.

“I’m gonna smell me like some seven herbs and spices,” she hollered to no one in particular.

She twisted and then rolled the ends of her ranch-dressed tresses over uncooked baby carrots and slices of pickled cucumbers.

“Go big, or go home… with a big salad,” she muttered as she pinned her hair into triangles of raw vegetables.

After an hour of working her hair, Jennifer looked in the mirror and loved what she saw: A giant, glistening, nest of a garden Updo peppered with green peppers, dwarf carrots and ruby slices of minced radicchio and raw beets.

Ranch dressing dripped on her naked shoulders.

She stuck a shallot in each pierced earlobe and pulled on her Saran-wrapped black alpaca wrap; she was happy her shawl was dead or it might be feasting on her new ‘do did for picture day at school.

Jennifer stepped outside and placed an inverted Tupperware bowl over her head to protect her hairdo from the downpour waiting to wash her down the gutter.

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