On Monday evening, I attended a concert at the Bowery Ballroom — it was The Mountain Goats with opening band Matthew E. White. There were a number of occasions when I could not help but notice people being not just a little impolite but outright rude and I think that it is high time that you, if you are unaware, learn exactly how, you too, can join the ranks of people being rude at concerts.

First, you need to be aware of the most important concert goer present, and that is you! You may be in a room with five hundred other people but none of them matter as much as you. Your fun is the most important fun to be had at the concert — this is going to be your mantra for the evening.

When should you arrive at the concert? Do not think that you have to get there in any sort of timely manner. It may say that the doors open at eight and that the opening band plays at nine, but you can feel free to stroll in at half after nine — you’re there to see the main band, right? Once you arrive, find yourself a nice place to stand near the stage. Never mind that the place is quite full at this point — you can just shove your way past everyone in your way. Don’t worry about saying “excuse me” or attempting to apologize since everyone expects shoves and pushes at a concert.

Now that you are there and having a good time, how about dancing with a friend? You find yourself in a tight space and there are people nearby who would get struck repeatedly if you twirl in a circle? Well heck, this is a concert! Those people are probably at least a little high from the second hand pot smoke in the air — they won’t notice you bumping into them over and over again. Moreover, if they are bothered by it, forget about it — they obviously aren’t as fun as you are and who needs to be concerned with people who aren’t there to have a good time?

Lastly, don’t forget to walk away from the stage at least once every fifteen minutes, whether to get a drink or to use the restroom. On your way to and from these places, of course, you have to make every effort to shove every single person out of the way because as I have already mentioned — this concert is all about you. Have fun!


  1. People like that are so laughable — except when you’re stuck in the same room with them. I don’t know what happens when you get a group of 500 people like that together in one small room. It seems like a recipe for murder.

    Perhaps that’s how the Mosh Pit came into existence? You push me and are rude to me and I’ll push you back and hit you by pretend mistake — and we’re at a concert, so let’s make it look like we’re dancing! SMILE!

    1. The funniest part of the Mosh Pit era (which I think may have died out, thankfully) was when people would attempt to Mosh during a quiet acoustic number. Time and place, people!

      There was a funny moment at the concert when someone yelled out “FREEBIRD!” as people often do at concerts. John cut him down quite concisely and told him that there as no need for him to be repeating his parents’ concert jokes which weren’t even funny then.

      1. Moshing still seems to be popular in Europe. I see it in modern day concerts on Palladia. I think at USA heavy metal concerts moshing is still in vogue — that’s one of the reasons why you show up is to smash other fans!

        I wonder if a “Stairway to Heaven” request would have provoked a better reply? SMILE!

  2. So, I suppose I need to report my concert opportunity? SMILE
    Cain’s is as bad or worse than the scenario you have described.
    Small venue + large crowd = rudeness.

    1. You’d think it would be better at a large venue. This kind of stuff even happens on the floor level at Madison Square Garden, which has over 11,000 capacity.

  3. David,

    Wow. Just wow. I guess that’s what I get for not going to metal concerts.

    There’s a great scene from “Wayne’s World” the first movie that addresses your Stairway question. 🙂

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