Show Me Where It Hurts

I have been building and moderating conversation on the internet since the internet had conversation worth moderating, and one quarrel from those years has never let me put it down. It happened on Reddit, in one of the medical-advice communities, the ask-a-doctor kind, and the room’s name has dissolved from memory while its images have refused to leave. People arrived with photographs of their own fresh cuts and posted them for assessment, and the moderators split over what they were looking at. One camp called the pictures fine in a medical setting: a patient presenting an injury to doctors, the oldest transaction in medicine arriving through a new door. The other camp read performance, attention pursued through injury, and wanted every image gone. I stood with the second camp’s verdict while distrusting its reasoning, because the deletion seemed right to me for a reason neither camp was saying: whatever any single poster intended, the gallery was awe-inspiring to the wrong eyes. I could not have defended that instinct with numbers then, and now I can, so here is the argument laid out in full, the folk theory measured, the audience counted, the room itself put on the scale.

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The Borrowed Saint: The Book That Watched Me Back

I have been thinking about mirrors for forty-eight years. The thinking started in a dressing room at a community playhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, where a row of mirrors lined the wall above a counter cluttered with spirit gum and cold cream and the residue of faces that had been built and removed hundreds of times. I was thirteen years old and I was watching an actor apply a prosthetic nose, and the thing that struck me was the moment when his own face disappeared under the new architecture. His eyes changed. The man in the mirror stopped being the person I had been talking to thirty seconds earlier and became someone whose bone structure carried a different social signal, a different set of expectations, a different gravitational field. Same eyes. Different face. Different world.

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Sex is Unimportant: Intimacy is Everything

A friend of mine who is amicably divorcing his wife, told me a tale of woe the other day that he has felt unloved and sexless for many years.  He didn’t blame his wife, he blamed himself for putting too much emphasis on sex and not enough on intimacy.  “I should have done more cuddling,” he whispered to me.

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Going Places By Being Polite

There are some people who feel that they never get their way when dealing with other people. I have found that much of the time, it has a lot to do with being polite — specifically with the people not being as polite as they think they are being to other people.

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Stranger in the Garden: The Sad Kindness of John and Yoko

The Beatles were born into The Blues.  Their early work is washed in the tinted tones of human suffering and a wailing against a natural born plot in life.  When I recently watched the 1988 documentary — Imagine: John Lennon — I was provided us an intimate look into the making of John’s Imagine album, and I was struck by the kindness John and Yoko gave to a Stranger discovered living in a garden on their English estate.

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The Unnecessary Necessary: An Anonymous Stranger

Last Friday I was presented evidence — through direct experience — confirming what I argued in my The Last Selfless Act article. I discovered there are real people who are really willing to help with nothing in it in the end for them on their end. I was walking to the bank when my Blackberry rang with the following:

Janna is calling!

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Men and Kindness

One lesson young women know, but can never quite learn, is how many young men misunderstand kindness from a woman as affection. The difference between kindness and affection are bright and clear. Kindness is what you should extend to every person. Affection is reserved for intimate reciprocal relationships where the affection expressed is given and not demanded. Young men are anxious to connect to young women.

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