We know the danger of Celebrity Twinning — and the latest rumor is Mariah Carey and her unfortunate husband, Nick Cannon, have also gone the misbegotten twins route — but there is another fame-frenzy station that is setting the new standard for crazy and, once again, our beloved Mariah and Nick are at the creamy center of Celebrity Marriage Vow Renewal: The Re-Wed Retread. Mariah and Nick get remarried each year because they are clearly insecure with each other and, in the ultimate public rebuke that only adults should marry, Nick gave Mariah her very own jewel-encrusted baby pacifier as an anniversary/re-tread gift this year. Nick Cannon’s public infantilization of his baby mama is simply spew-inspiring in a really ugly, and unfunny, way.
I was riding on a dollar van yesterday — you pay a local step van driver to sweep you up and down the streets so you don’t have to walk — and I overheard a conversation between a wrinkled and crusty old man and pock-faced younger boy: “Marry an ugly girl,” the old man said in a heavy Spanish accent, “and you’ll be happy the rest of your life because she’ll be grateful for the attention and content with the ring on her finger.”
by Tammy Tillotson
Marry, Marry, Quite Contrary,
How do love gardens grow?
With wedding bells and shackled yells,
Am I ready to have baggage in tow?
In July 1997, Swing magazine polled 507 adults between the ages of 18-34, and 51% thought that the ideal age to marry was between 25-29, while only 16% thought the age should be higher.