We know the danger of Celebrity Twinning — and the latest rumor is Mariah Carey and her unfortunate husband, Nick Cannon, have also gone the misbegotten twins route — but there is another fame-frenzy station that is setting the new standard for crazy and, once again, our beloved Mariah and Nick are at the creamy center of Celebrity Marriage Vow Renewal: The Re-Wed Retread. Mariah and Nick get remarried each year because they are clearly insecure with each other and, in the ultimate public rebuke that only adults should marry, Nick gave Mariah her very own jewel-encrusted baby pacifier as an anniversary/re-tread gift this year. Nick Cannon’s public infantilization of his baby mama is simply spew-inspiring in a really ugly, and unfunny, way.
Nick Cannon, if you don’t know, has been on television, but his current claim to fame is hosting the radio show Howard Stern used to run on 92.3 in New York City. Nick’s marble-mouthed delivery and immature banter serve as an open wound demonstrating just how far morning radio has fallen in the last decade. When Nick schmoozes with Perez Hilton — the radio gets turned off and iTunes get turned up.
Nick and Mariah aren’t the only Re-Wed Retreaders a mere six months into 2010.
Heidi Klum and Seal are also serial renewers:
Supermodel and ‘Project Runway’ maven Heidi Klum celebrating her fifth wedding anniversary with musician Seal the exact same way they celebrated their fourth — by renewing their vows. The couple, who have turned ther [sic] anniversary into the tradition of throwing a vow renewal party, did just that in a small ceremony (well, 80 people… small a celebrity party) in Mexico…
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott also re-did done vows:
A sandbox centered between two white pails (reading “Tori” and “Dean”) served as the setting for the vow renewal (it was an ode to the beach in Fiji where the couple wed barefoot four years ago).
Ramona Singer of The Real Housewives of New York pulled her man, Mario, in for a second — but televised — re-knotting:
The final episode of this season of the Real Housewives of New York City began with the official end of Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel’s friendship and ended with Ramona and Mario Singer renewing their vows.
Let’s not forget Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s second marriage re-tread renewal just this week:
For their sixth wedding anniversary, Jennifer Lopez, 40, and Marc Anthony — who first renewed their vows in 2008 — are saying “I do” again at their new Hidden Hills, California, estate June 5.
What is wrong with these people and why do they keep marrying the same person without a divorce between avowing?
We can, perhaps, abide a private ceremony to renew vows for a couple married 20 years — something proven is at stake and that substance deserves recognition and reconfirmation — but to hold an annual wedding vows renewal party only cheapens the entire idea of marriage and it creates a sickening excess that only the pretty can pretend has real significance and only the elite can afford to waste.