by Steve Gaines

It was…
let’s see
thirty-plus years ago
in another life
when I used to throw myself
into a part ill-advised and out of control
when I would measure success
by volume and G-forces

of course it was well intentioned
playing everything with an over the top attack
and I was faultless in my blind enthusiasm
in my bombast and gymnastics
they were generally my only subtext
and for the most part got me by somehow
since I didn’t know “any better”
and since I was cast in all the “loud” parts anyway
I was young and vaguely searching for some technique
and I was forgiven

in the midst of “another life”
swimming cautiously in the tides
of the twenty-first century
I am afforded a new attempt at this old familiar role
the actor’s chance for forgiveness
a way at last beyond the inadequacies
of my ancient and innocent hopes
a chance to get beyond the little failures
that kept me wanting more
the echoes of the last big chance
that sustained my all those years ago

as the new millennium gets a good grip on history
I am given … out of the blue
what is surely a last chance…to do it right
well…at least to do it better

I have high hopes

since I am surrounded by the “youngest”
and most enthusiastic cast an old man
could hope to find himself surrounded by
…even though some of them aren’t all that young!
they certainly are enthusiastic

that’s good news and that’s bad news
my invention requires the feed back they can provide
and I
not infrequently
fly on the updrafts and currents of
all their incredible energy
all their electric eyes
all the willingness to share
their smiles
and caresses
but occasionally the smiles
and caresses get beyond my knees
in their calcified attempts
to keep up an impossible pace

but what the hell!

better to crash in the attempt than to limp along
on the too easy excuses of “old age”
better to bask selfishly…perhaps one last time…
in all this incredible “attention”
all this help and support from so willing a cast
a cast so able to hold me up
so willing to push me over edges
to leave me in free fall
far too high for “old actors”
so willing to catch me before I land
to put me down gently and in the proper places

I am thankful for this “one last” chance
and promise myself
not to mention my grand children
to stick to the old man parts from now on…


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