There is nothing funnier or worse than wandering into a packed men’s room in New York City at a large venue and being forced to stand in line holding your water. When I first moved to New York City I was going crazy while the tide rose within me as I was forced to eternally wait my turn.
To take my mind off my impending explosion I forced myself to be mesmerized by the long lines of men standing next to each other and focusing only on the wall in front of them as they enjoyed the relief I so desperately sought.
Thus began my informal — but never scientific — “Analysis of Peeing Postures” as the universal male mechanics of relief were analyzed. No urine analysis was performed in pursuit of this article. Standing and urinating is not as uniform as some might think. There appears to be several different peeing postures for posing.
The First Rule of Peeing is: “Never Look Down — Even At Yourself — Or You’ll Be Accused of Sneaking a Peek.”
You must “pee by wire” or face the angry wrath of meeting the Chlamydia infection bubbling away next to you. Here are some of the most recognizable postures:
Peepers are men who cannot abide the First Rule. They try to sneak a peek at your massive maleness out of the corner of their eye. Clearing your throat usually snaps their head back to the wall view, but if that fails, a sharp “Dude!” usually pinches them off.
Supermen love to pose but they do not care if you watch or not. They are there to perform for themselves. They are the star of their own comic book. They do not mind, however, the company of Peepers because they provide an audience for their performance. When Supermen release their golden flow they stand at the urinal with a fist on each hip and a puffed out chest. Beware of all Supermen. Never stand next to one. With both fists bolted to a hip they are not able to control the direction of, nor the spatter from, their super-human release and they care not what they splatter in the process.
The Attention-Getter is similar to the Superman but unlike the Superman who is only interested in peeing with no hands, the Attention-Getter loves to talk and engage others in conversations about peeing and how to pee fastest and what makes you pee the palest and how you can avoid that nagging burning sensation. You cannot shut up a Getter. Just smile and nod and toss in a “Um-hum” and then be on your way.
The Head-Hangers keep their head down and their eyes on their own business. You might think they have a need to peek but they are only making sure their aim is true. Hangers make the best friends because you know you can count on them to keep quiet and hold your secrets.
The Shaker is one who can never quite finish business due to a weak musculature around the bladder or because of prostate problems or because of some other malady that can cause dribbling onto the pants as one returns to public view. Always pity a Shaker. Give them time. They are not shaking for you or at you. They are trying to avoid embarrassing spotting. Never confuse a Shaker with a Puller.
You must avoid the Puller at all costs. If you are in mid-stream and a Puller pulls up next to you and begins their nasty duty it is your job to withhold your flow and move. The Puller is not there to pee. The puller is there to pretend to pee while pulling on his penis. I could not believe it when I saw a guy masturbating into a urinal and he wanted everyone to watch.
When I later told a cop stationed outside the bathroom at Grand Central Terminal about the Puller in there beating off, the cop yelled at me, “It’s New York! Expect it!” NYPD’s finest was right and I respected and felt for him. What cop likes pulling Pee Duty in Grand Central Terminal?
There are a lot stranger and more dangerous things lurking to hurt you in New York City than a guy pulling his pud in the bathroom and that was one of the most important lessons I learned in New York as a new resident. People can do what they wish as long as they don’t touch you or someone else.
That moral barometer of the physical versus the self-contained is the easiest way to know if you’ve been violated or not in New York. Talk is negligible. Touching only crosses the line when it happens without your consent.
Don’t get wound up over looks from strangers you don’t like or behaviors you disapprove of if they do not directly threaten your life or limb. Everything messes up your mind in New York City so there are no boundaries left to cross because your sensibilities are continuously violated and assaulted.
Get used to it! This concludes our informal examination of the posture of male relief poses.
[Note: No homoerotic fantasies were created or enjoyed during the research for or the writing of this article.]