If you fart in public, do you:

A). Make a joke out of it.

B). Quote a medical study saying everyone farts 14 times a day.

C). Pretend you didn’t deal it. 


If you burp in public, do you:

A). Say, “Well, at least I didn’t fart!”

B). Try to do it with your mouth closed.

C). Let it rip as loud as possible.

If you feel that special something right there in your nose while in public, do you:

A). Do a quick pick and wipe the result on your pants.

B). Keep your head down and wait until you’re alone to remove the offender.

C). Ask someone else to confirm you have a dried mucus visitor in your nostril.

27 Comments

  1. Hi David,
    It depends on where the event happens! If you’re in an elevator, you might want to pretend like it wasn’t you so people don’t attack, but if you’re at a bar, you could try making a joke.
    Same thing with burping. In college, some people were proud of their ability to burp out songs. 🙂
    On picking ones nose: is it worse to have something hanging all day or to quickly grab it?
    Of course, bathrooms were invented for all of these situations!

  2. Dave —
    Check: Take Lufthansa off my “to fly” list.
    Well… women have to worry about their men having their problems and embarrassing them to death!
    There was one guy — a well-known Broadway actor — and we were all walking together as a group on Toronto and he let loose the loudest and juiciest fart you ever heard. It lasted at least 30 seconds. The he paused the farting but kept talking and then let loose another cannon upon us all that lasted a full minute.
    No one said anything. He didn’t say anything. We’re surround by the sounds and smells of his stink and we’re all shocked and awed by it all.

  3. This reminds me of a friend I knew in college.
    We’d go work out at the HPER at Indiana University.
    For some reason, if he was lifting weights, he’d always have to let one rip. Often, he’d go into a corner of the weight room, fart, then come back over and wait to see if anyone wandered into the contaminated zone.
    I remember going to an aerobics class where the instructor gave the class permission to expell gas, if needed. She said that exercise can cause people to get gaseous. The class was mostly women, so I never felt free. And, I never detected any women letting one go.
    Speaking about spewing things in an elevator,
    I was in an elevator at the Daley Center Courthouse earlier this year and heard a woman talking to her friend about her landlord.
    Here’s a paraphrase of the conversation. It has been edited for content.
    Woman One: You know what my landlord did the other day?
    Woman Two: No, what did he do?
    Woman One: I couldn’t pay rent this month, so I went to talk to the landlord.
    Woman Two: What did you tell him?
    Woman One: I needed more time to pay the rent.
    Woman Two: What did he say?
    Woman One: I could pay him by sleeping with him.
    Woman Two: Friend asks breathlessly: Did you do it?
    Woman One: No! Are you crazy!?!? I’d never sleep with that M** F**!!!!
    Woman Two: Looks at her friend like she doesn’t believe her
    Woman One: I’m going to tell my boyfriend so he’ll go over and shoot him!
    Some people must not have gotten the memo about not talking about their personal life in the elevator. I bet even though she’d tell all of her stories in a loud way in front of strangers, she’d probably never let one rip. That would be a no-no!

  4. Akismet does love you, Chris! I still have no idea why!
    😀
    I love that story!
    I know a few women in the urban core who pay their rent with sex — even when the landlord is married with children! It’s pretty disgusting, not to mention illegal!

  5. Hi David,
    You are right that that goes on in the urban core.
    There are some that pay their bills that way as they come due. If they need to pay the power or phone bill, they’ll go to a bar or someplace and “work” until they get the money they need.

  6. Hi Chris!
    Akismet got you again! I’m glad you keep posting, though.
    😀
    It’s sad when people have to sell access to their bodies — blood, semen, sexual cavities — to pay for their basic needs.
    There has to be a better American Way.

  7. Well in that case let me respond to the heart of this post. I’m sorry I’m being a bit of a baby and not taking care of my responsibilities.
    When in public I try my best to make any sort of sound when farting. When belching I used to let it all out as a child but now practice great restraint.
    Vis-a-vis nose problems – I generally try to find somewhere private and take care of the problem – or use a hand shield to cover it all up.
    Another excellent blog post, David!

  8. David said “I know a few women in the urban core who pay their rent with sex — even when the landlord is married with children! It’s pretty disgusting, not to mention illegal!”
    Not only in the urban core – it takes place in rural England as well. When I was a teenager (35years ago) we lived in a smell village where one single mother with a young child paid her rent that way.
    The other case was a lady who had a large family who lived in social housing – the taxi drivers used to draw lots when she booked a cab – as they ALL knew how the fare was going to be paid!
    As to the farting, burping and bogeys ………..
    Farts I apologise for – pardon me ………. it is a secret joy for me to be abel to fart again after my surgeries!
    Burps – again I apologise – pardon me
    Bogeys – thats what tissue are for ?

  9. Nicola!
    I am so glad you stepped forward to offer us a view on this matter from the other gender!
    Thank you for letting us now “sex for rent and utilities” is still alive in other parts of the world. It makes sense that form of payment can also be found in rural areas. The world is a hard place to live. There aren’t a lot of soft truths to be had for free.
    What’s really interesting is the person WHO ACCEPTS sexual gratification as payment.