I have a giant penis! It doesn’t help that I wear invisible pants.
I am also incredibly thin. I eat brownies and frosting and I never gain an inch.
I am independently wealthy. I regularly send millions of dollars to all my powerful friends in Nigeria.
Now that I have revealed my secrets, I wonder why I keep getting Spam wanting to increase my penis size with extenders and vacuum sealing.
I am confused why people who claim to be my best friend think I need immediate and miraculous weight loss via Hoodia induction.
Why do all my Nigerian ambassador friends keep begging for help and money — isn’t $10,000,000 USD enough for them?
Who are these Spammers and why do they pretend to know me?
Have you — or anyone you know — ever purchased something from a Spam email offer?
These Spammers must “know” our needs — other than mine, of course — or they wouldn’t keep hitting us with all this crud.
How can we make them go away? I’ve tried ignoring them, but that only seems to make them want me more!
Good for you David !
(Quietly bins her post on the delights of spam until another day).
They clearly do not know me – I have no penis to enlarge – no penis to support with viagra and no money to give my new Nigerian friends.
Neither do I gamble at online Casinos or want to win the jackpot on the Wheel of Fortune.
My breasts are fine, so is my sewage disposal system and I certainly do not want to go and chat and webcam with *Candy* .
Tech Soup offer prevention measures here
I suspect that spam is one of the undesirable side effects of being visible on the net – the more visible you are the more spam you get.
at least you’re a guy, I get spam in enlarge my penis when I don’t even have one to begin with O.o you think these spams would at least be smart enough to know what gender we are -_-”
Dear Nicola —
Thank you for commenting on My Giant Penis!
We appreciate the attention.
Our current Akismet body count is around 44,300 — since the end of October only!
There must be some success in Spamming us — I just don’t see it.
Thank you for giving My Giant Penis your attention this morning! We appreciate the comment.
We have several Giant Penises we could offer you if you ever want to try one out to test those extender offers you’re getting. I suppose the Spammers hope you’ll take up their offer and apply it to the one you love the most with the most tiny member.
I saw a Spam TV infomercial the other day — it consisted of three scantily clad women sitting on a couch being interviewed by a “doctor” as they all confirmed how much they love “big” men. Ew!
Hey, did you get this new species of sexually frustrated spammers that would always tell you how depressed and empty they feel?
They would always end their notes with “I have nothing to say”.
I think I had at least 50 of them since a couple of months ago.
Btw, about Nigerian rich spammers, here are two of my responses towards their plea for me to save their worlds by accepting 1 Gazillion USD:
[Edited by David W. Boles to remove giant URLs.]
HA HA HA HA!
I do not know anyone who has ever purchased anything through a spam email. Hopefully, if anyone I know ever does, they will be too ashamed to admit it. As far as I am concerned, Spam is aptly named as it reminds me of the canned meat–a cheap and nasty concoction!
I try not to read my Spam, bodicea! Except, of course, when it comes to making My Giant Penis even BIGGER!
Dearest Emily —
My Giant Penis is touched by your humor, thank you.
Spam is nasty — but someone must be buying it! How else do we explain is ongoing insanity?
David, we must find out who these idiots are that are purchasing what spammers hawk, and floggings must ensue! They are the reason my spam box is full of 800+ messages daily, and I want to see some consequences to their horrific actions! 😀
I wish you all the best with that big penis. I’m sure it could be bigger, though. Maybe take your Nigerian money and put it into creating something even huger? I’m sure there are companies out there willing to help you.
I’m with you Emily! I spend over $250 a year on Spam protection for all of my email addresses. It’s the scourge of humankind!
Thanks your your big penis support, Anne! We do appreciate it! Yes, we can always be bigger. Let’s stuff it with $12 million in dollar bills and see what happens!
You could become a stripper. Instead of tipping you a dollar in your pants, they could instead put their money elsewhere.
Heh, Anne! Yeah! They could store their dollars in my giant penis for a rainy day! Bwa-ha!
I don’t even have a penis and I get them.
Welcome to Urban Semiotic, Jen!
Ha! I guess they’re hoping you know someone who might need a little push!
I have never purchased anything offered in a spam email. I don’t know anyone who has. Somebody must be buying this stuff, but who, who, who? Maybe we could all chip in to send the spammers and their paying customers to another planet. It would probably cost less than the value of the time we spend dealing with the spam.
Hello Ms. Mocha!
I would love to profile someone who bought into a Spam scheme. Did they get ripped off? Did they actually get a good deal? It’s just so delicious to think there are actually people in the world seeking remedy in Spam email.
You’re violating the “Man Code” by talking about what you have or don’t have. 😉 That’s why you never hear “real” success stories from all of those satisfied customers of products with names that sound scientific, such as the the users of the hit product known as Non De Minimis or the other one that was known by it’s Latin name for get out and vote for the Green Party.
Just as real Navy Seals don’t brag about their missions to complete strangers at dive bars, those who have found success through natural herbal supplements or “Austin Powers” type pumps never tell their secrets in mixed company. It isn’t proper to brag about something that people will admire, but secretly feel that deep burning feeling of envy.
There are things men should never discuss: money, religion and their male enhancement regimen secrets!
Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to help a princess move her millions of dollars out of her war torn nation into my bank account for a helper’s fee for my efforts. Of course, I never had these types of offers to assist princesses before I got “enhanced” by extracts of tree barks, goat hides, and other dolphin safe animal extracts. 😉
Ha! Outstanding comment, Chris!
Yes, I am guilty as charged. The Spammers forced me out into the public eye with my private head. Thank you for reeling me back in to reality.
Good luck with your princess! I’m glad you found the right guy who’ll give you a great deal on the hides.
Sometimes I print off spam – the ones with all the words that don’t quite make sense together – and use it as a writing exercise.
There was a journo in Australia who used to creat spam poetry from the subject lines.
Welcome to Urban Semiotic, Diane!
I’m not sure how I feel about “culturalizing” Spam into our common aesthetic! It skeeves me out a little bit.
Nice one David, i think spammers get a kick out of knowing that they are distrupting peoples lives and wasting time, just like SM fanatics get a kick out of pain. Them spammers are the biggest pain, i get offerded vredit cards, loans and mortgages even though i dont own a house or a job and am not old enought to legally hold a loan contract. Screwed up this is.
I think you’re right on target, LifeForce99! It is truly a mess that I wish we could get fixed in our lifetimes!
Its been a while since i came back, i thought i’d add a thought to your blog. Maybe there is a way of backtracking the spammers IP address and then physically locating the spammers homes/companies/evil geeky lair or cupboard and then “bitch slapping” them into submission like one slaps a dog that challenges an owners authority.
how i would love to do that, think you should post something about ad and spyware programmers aswell since they need a bit of criticism
Very late in finding this post, but it really cracked me up. I’m thinking you must have a GIGANTIC penis by now 🙂
Thank you for appreciating my Giant Penis. Yes, we grow larger and larger each day. I’m currently training it to type blog comments. 😆
Oh my! The visual!
You’re welcome. ❗