In the beautiful city of New York there are regularly millions of people trying to get from one place to another — the most affordable of which has to be the New York subway system. If all the people who rode the subway system would abide by even half of the rules that are announced over the loudspeaker, everything would run a lot more smoothly. Since, for some reason, people don’t want to follow the rules, allow me to introduce some more rules — rules of how to be rude while riding on the subway.

To start, you’re going to want to always bear in mind that the subway car is your new home for the next five minutes to a couple of hours, depending on how far you plan on going. You need to assert your rule over your home from the moment you step inside. The easiest way to do this is to step inside the car and stop immediately, blocking half of the entrance. Don’t bother to let anyone get out of the subway car first. They can figure out another way to get where they thought they were going.

Once your rule has been asserted, you don’t actually need to stand there for the duration of the ride — that very well may be uncomfortable for you, the most important person on the train. That’s why you have to take a seat and make sure you occupy as much space as possible by adopting the Spreads Legsington technique of spreading your legs as far apart as you can while sitting without doing actual yoga moves. In a normal subway car, three average sized people can sit on each side of the subway bench. By adopting Spreads Legsington, you can easily maximize your space taken and perhaps even dominate the entire half of the bench. Make that the whole half of the seat easily by adding your backpack or laptop bag. That bag is far more important than any tired person looking for a place to sit. Bonus points for you if you do this in the Priority Seats for the elderly, pregnant, and disabled.

You deserve a break every day, so why not eat whatever smelly foods you want to eat, right? If you’re hungry, you deserve the right to eat anything. You may be thinking that you don’t have a convenient place to throw out your trash. No problem — the entire subway car is a giant trash container. Not only that but you can easily wait until the next stop and just throw your refuse onto the train platform. Let some other fool clean after you are done — get your stomach full and move on to the next thing you want to do.

If you’re not sure where to get food, don’t worry — every other passenger is there for your food needs. Tell a long story about fighting Koreans and give cold stares to anyone who questions how feasible it is that you fought in the Korean war since you’re barely thirty. Clap and sing a song and afterward, demand fiscal reimbursement. Those were a hard forty five seconds of your life that just passed you by and you’re not getting them back.

If you’re feeling a little lonely, despair not — the subway is full of women and men who are clearly looking for love — why else would they have their eyes buried in a book and headphones blasting loud music to drown out your flirtation techniques. If at first you don’t succeed, just keep trying until you either get a date or a spritz of Mace in the face.

Long subway ride ahead of you and feeling tired? The subway benches are perfect little beds for you. Just make sure to not oversleep or you will be looking at a nice police beating as your wake up call.

6 Comments

  1. I’ll add one of my own:

    When you’re trying to get on the train, be sure to push your way into the car the instant the doors open. Don’t let anyone exit first. You’re the most important person, so elbow your way in while others — unlike you — wait for room to be made for them by the exiting passengers.

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