Here are some tips on how NOT to write a blog:
1. Don’t Post for Days in a Row: No one is interested in what you have to say so why say it as often as every day? People don’t like an ongoing relationship so be sure to keep them at a distance with unpredictable posts. There is no better feeling than to read the same thing over and over. Leave it up to whimsy, instead of reliability, to find you.
2. Pick a Boring Blog Name: There’s nothing better for a blog than choosing a name that no one gets or understands. Be obtuse. Make no sense. Don’t use your actual name in any way because that would be too egotistical even though there is no better way to feed an ego and build self-importance than by blogging. Your name is not your brand you have not been building over a lifetime so why use that self-created goodwill in your blog?
3. Don’t Use FeedBurner or BlogExplosion: You don’t need stats. You don’t want visitors. You don’t need to know who is reading you from where and why. You don’t need to know which posts are most popular. There is no need to see in neat table and chart form just how your blog is doing every day.
4. Never Backup: You are infallible. Computers never fail. The internet is always “on.” Servers don’t crash. “99.9% Uptime” guarantees really mean “100% Uptime.” Why back up your database? Why save your config files? What could happen?
5. Use a Parked Domain: Having several URLs pointing to single posts on your blog is not confusing and does not make your domain hard-to-find. Why have a solid, top-level domain name that people can remember, bookmark and celebrate?
6. Regularly Change Your Permalinks: Changing the URL address of your messages is the perfect way to keep your readers, RSS services and Search Bots from ever really pinning down exactly where you are and finding what you have written. Guessing is good. Broken links and 404 errors are appealing to those who are interested in reading your mind.
7. Reveal Nothing: You started your blog to keep your privacy intact. Revealing bits of your heart and ordered thoughts and broken life experiences only causes you public pain. Keep everything bottled up. You are an island. You are your body and not your spirit.
8. Keep Your Opinion to Yourself: Re-state the obvious. Only post links to original content others create. No one cares what you have to say. Remain neutral. Always be fair. Hurt no one’s feelings. Bland has always been a code phrase for “really tasty.”