Last night, the Food Network revealed its next star:  Sissy Biggers
We thought we were wholly finished with Sissy Biggers and her annoying voice, the yipping Chihuahua personality, strange teeth, wispy hair and no-talent parading around our television as a pseudo-expert — but, no — the Food Network is bringing back our worst nightmare and giving her a cooking show that starts next week called “Kitchen Survival Guide.”


Oh, now waitaminute.

It looks like Sissy Biggers didn’t win the Next Food Network Star — but her cloying doppelganger named “Melissa d’Arabian” — was the winner crowned last night.

I can, however, tell you, the different between Sissy and Melissa — “SissyLissa” — isn’t worth a dime; they’re photocopies of each other: Place them face-to-face and you’ll get that infinite mirror-to-mirror phenomenon which always reveals that depth is only an illusion.

I have no idea why the Food Network is forcing “Sissy Biggers, II” upon us again.

Jeffrey Saad was a much more interesting choice to win.  He proved himself each week to be inventive, likable, and annoying-free than Sissy2 — and he should have won last night — but who are we to judge?

We’re only loyal viewers who have now been burned in the Food Network kitchen with this “SissyLissa” win and we’re changing the channel and moving far away from having to live through a second Sissy Biggers in a single lifetime.

6 Comments

  1. Wow. These are the things I miss from pretty much only watching Unwrapped on the Food Network. I’m curious about SB’s voice but am afraid to hear it at the same time because as we all know, some things that are heard can never be unheard. 😮

  2. Gordon!
    Unwrapped is an excellent show. I watch it often. Chopped is also a lot of fun. That’s really about it for me on that network since they are full of non-Vegan eats…
    Sissy is all over YouTube if you ever get up the gumption to take a listen. She does have one of those voices that sticks with you and is immediately recognizable even in other people… like Melissa!

  3. Wow…I know they say we all have at least one doppelganger but I didn’t realize that Food Network was in the process of finding them and giving them their own shows! I too am a Food Network junkie & 9 times of of 10 if my TV is on, that’s the channel of choice. Love Unwrapped & have recently discovered Chopped. Time will tell if Melissa has the chops for her own show.

  4. Ha! I hope the Food network’s doppelganger search begins and ends with SissyLissa! SMILE!
    I’m sure Melissa might find some success for those who don’t know she’s a Sissy Biggers clone — if you know Sissy, you are already tired of Melissa.