Last night, the Food Network revealed its next star: Sissy Biggers!
We thought we were wholly finished with Sissy Biggers and her annoying voice, the yipping Chihuahua personality, strange teeth, wispy hair and no-talent parading around our television as a pseudo-expert — but, no — the Food Network is bringing back our worst nightmare and giving her a cooking show that starts next week called “Kitchen Survival Guide.”
Oh, now waitaminute.
It looks like Sissy Biggers didn’t win the Next Food Network Star — but her cloying doppelganger named “Melissa d’Arabian” — was the winner crowned last night.
I can, however, tell you, the different between Sissy and Melissa — “SissyLissa” — isn’t worth a dime; they’re photocopies of each other: Place them face-to-face and you’ll get that infinite mirror-to-mirror phenomenon which always reveals that depth is only an illusion.
I have no idea why the Food Network is forcing “Sissy Biggers, II” upon us again.
Jeffrey Saad was a much more interesting choice to win. He proved himself each week to be inventive, likable, and annoying-free than Sissy2 — and he should have won last night — but who are we to judge?
We’re only loyal viewers who have now been burned in the Food Network kitchen with this “SissyLissa” win and we’re changing the channel and moving far away from having to live through a second Sissy Biggers in a single lifetime.