Have you ever heard of the “Quarterlife Crisis” that is taking the USA by storm?  Me neither!  However, listening to the local CBS television news stations across the country this week wholeheartedly suggests there is horror afoot and your twentysomething life is in danger!

CBS News offers the twentysomethings four tips for dealing with the faux “Quarterlife Crisis” they are actively promoting.  First, “Know You Are Not Alone!”  Second, “Discover Yourself.”  Third, “Try Something New!” and, finally, “Don’t Jump Into Changing Careers Just Yet!”

Of the top six “Quarterlife Crisis” search returns, the top five are all connected to CBS news outlets:

Yes, we’re starting the “Sweeps Period” for rating all television shows, and that means manufactured solutions to invented problems will be on the rise on the local and national news — but I can’t quite remember anything so silly and obnoxious as this “Quarterlife Crisis” non-dilemma — especially not from “The Tiffany Network” and from the news house that Walter Cronkite built.

Doing my due diligence as a member of the Fourth Estate, I have invented the following new life crises that CBS News are welcome to promote as the latest self-terrorization of living a horrible human life.

The Mid-Fives Crisis:  2.5 year-olds who feel despair over not actually being three yet, and the unfairness of it all in not being able to use their parents’ iPads for sharing social networking updates on their latest potty training methods.  They are also visibly irritated they may not be able to have a snack during the drive to the playground:  “Give me a juice box, or I’ll DIE!”

The Pre-Tweener Crisis:  10-12 year olds who are already festering worries about their upcoming quarter-life crisis.  Will they even make it to their twenties or will the Daily Teen Crises overstep the boundaries of their coping skills and put them back in the mindset of the Half-Yearlies?

The Crisis at 75%:  The 3/4 Lifers look back with great regret over their delayed potty training as Mid-Fivers and who still wonder if the punchbowl was spiked at the Pre-Tweener Crisis Recovery Ball.

The Dead-Enders Non-Crises Crisis:  The Quick and the Dirty.  Fleeting Moments at the end-of-life. No Crises left creates its own crisis. Only the end and the ending. Die in terror. Yes, you are alone — and always were. So there.

There you have my suggestions for helping CBS News bump their scare tactics for the ratings sweep, and I’m sure all those ideas will all be extremely successful as serious television news segments because terrorizing the audience works really well for newsmakers and for those who promote their daily gothic inventions on-the-air in our homes.

8 Comments

  1. Not to mention: the 8.5 month prenatal crisis : it’s been a sweet life, getting food and shelter with minimal effort… but that’s all about to change!

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  2. Just as I think the US cannot get any more whacky …………… it does . We have enough crisises in our lives without them inventing more for a TV program/network and these are REAL ……………..

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  3. What a waste of time and money …….. although I guess they will now be selling courses and counsellling on the back of this . Interesting that the four points of advice are more or less the same as those that are given in any “trivial” life crisis situation – I say trivial to distinguish from clinical depression or loss of life crisis. Maybe they have teamed up with BIG PHARMA and are developing a pill for it ?

    I think the big plan is actually to make everyone insecure and “dependent” on government “salvation”

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    1. That is the madness of it all — and the whole bait-and-switch temptation is the absolute worst. When you watch the port on TV, or read the “article” online you immediately feel ripped off. This is the height of American cynicism. CBS corporate sets the tone and all the affiliates run along to play along.

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