The internets have lately been filled with delicious and vile revelations about our blood. The media is in a tizzy of mice and memes and surgeons and even strippers — each one vying to try to measure and mess with our blood — and I’m sure all of this is all just the start of what just may become a regular Boles Blogs featurette: This Was the Week in Blood!
We, the ever-aging, become Elderly Vampires perpetually in search of our lost youth — and now we have the means to suck back what was lost to the Ages:
Two teams of scientists published studies on Sunday showing that blood from young mice reverses aging in old mice, rejuvenating their muscles and brains. As ghoulish as the research may sound, experts said that it could lead to treatments for disorders like Alzheimer’s disease and heart disease.
“I am extremely excited,” said Rudolph Tanzi, a professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School, who was not involved in the research. “These findings could be a game changer.”
The research builds on centuries of speculation that the blood of young people contains substances that might rejuvenate older adults.
Ah! Now we finally have a real societal use for the Millennials: We can suck their blood to replace ours! They won’t miss it. They’re just sitting at home watching TV and texting all day anyway!
The blood spat doesn’t stop there. Now, with the help of forced hypothermia, surgeons can drain all our blood and replace it with saline solution to help save our life-threatened living:
PITTSBURGH — Trauma patients arriving at an emergency room here after sustaining a gunshot or knife wound may find themselves enrolled in a startling medical experiment.
Surgeons will drain their blood and replace it with freezing saltwater. Without heartbeat and brain activity, the patients will be clinically dead.
And then the surgeons will try to save their lives.
Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center have begun a clinical trial that pushes the boundaries of conventional surgery — and, some say, medical ethics.
By inducing hypothermia and slowing metabolism in dying patients, doctors hope to buy valuable time in which to mend the victims’ wounds.
That’s pretty neat how we can have all our blood drained from our bodies but still be brought back from the dead. Even modern science confirms we are The Living Dead! Zombies unite in the public square! We’re not the Undead dead yet!
Perhaps the most galling and appalling news of blood this week was how a group of women scammed upscale men in New York City and New Jersey by drugging their drinks, and then secreting them to a second bar, where the femi-gang would run up over $200,000.00USD in fraudulent credit card charges by signing the victim’s name to the credit card charge receipt:
Four women and a manager at a New York City strip club were arrested and charged on Wednesday with luring wealthy men to strip clubs, drugging them and then running up tens of thousands of dollars on their credit cards, according to court documents. …
Once a mark was found, they would then arrange a “date” at another upscale restaurant or lounge.
At this point, they would drug the men.
“Working together, the defendants used drugs or a mixture of drugs to intoxicate the victims, including ketamine (a tranquilizer), methylone (commonly sold as “molly”), and cocaine,” according to a statement released by the prosecutor’s office.
So, there you have it: This Was the Week in Blood!
We’re all aging Vampires destined for the Zombie underworld — unliving, but alive, where we’ll be drugged and made destitute on the street — but at least we know we’re guaranteed to actually watch our livelihoods come to an end in dollars without sense.