Today, I propose we enact a new rule when it comes to the Art of Human Living: Outlawing Crafting. I realize this idea may be less popular than Jonathan Swift’s “Modest Proposal” — commoditizing children by eating babies in the time of economic hardship — and I’m sure there are some among us who will also accuse me of treachery against the American Spirit.
We live to pretend to recreate Art from the junk of others.
Do we really need a swimsuit made from used Brillo pads?
Who wants a Christmas tree created out of used pantyhose?
When people throw away their junk — let’s agree to leave that garbage in the trashcan where it belongs — nobody wants to buy a child’s nightlight made out of recycled Pepsi Bottles.
Let’s also outlaw hot glue guns because hot glue has no reason for being other than temporarily sticking together crafty things.
I’m all for recycling — but I am not in favor of pretending that garbage is Art just because someone decides to “create” something pulled from a landfill and labels it “Art.”
There’s a reason we use the separating phrase — “Arts and Crafts” — and it isn’t because those two ideas are in any way similar. Craft hopes to be Art; Art is never Craft.
No more quilts from tossed away dungarees.
No more sculptures bent from rusted scrap iron.
No more trash bag twisty ties braided into wristwatch bands.
If you do not like my proposal to ban crafting in America — perhaps we
can come to an aesthetic compromise and agree to eat the crafts in times
of economic hardship instead of infants. Or, we could feed the babies
the crafts and eat them both topped ketchup and mustard. If you’re with
me on any of this, please pass the salt and hold the stringy hot glue
and baby booties!
We thank you.