Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon announced the names of their twins the other day, and the tasteless names perfectly match the obnoxiousness of their parents. Wouldn’t you be a proud child to know your naked father manhandled your mother’s bare breasts in the pages of a public newspaper while you were still in utero?
Nick and Mariah have set up their twins for lifelong mockery.
The boy Cannon is named “Moroccan” and, believe it or not, the child was named after a room in Mariah Carey’s apartment. Was the room inspired by a rug or the country? You know right now that the kid’s nickname growing up will be “Moron” because, as the old saying goes, “You can’t spell Moroccan without ‘Moron.'”
The girl Cannon isn’t really much better named. She’s “Monroe”– the cheap laugh would also claim you can’t spell “Monroe” without “Moron” but that would be a doubleshot of mean that we don’t normally aspire to — but when the Carey-Cannons of the world offer up their children as fodder for public mocking, who are we to deny them our delight?
The official story goes that “Monroe” was named in honor of Marilyn Monroe — one of Mariah Carey’s longtime inspirations. Really? What is there to admire about Marilyn Monroe? She was known for her naked body and not her mind. She slept with married men. She was talentless. She was used and abused by men all her life. She was a drug addict. Her life ended in an overdose. Where’s the inspiration in the life of Marilyn Monroe? There is none. Monroe’s life was spectacularly dismal — and if that’s the legacy Mariah Carey wants her female child to aspire to — whelp, there are two more Morons in the Carey-Cannon family canon than just Moroccan and Monroe.
We don’t like to pick on celebrity children — but celebrities can’t have it both ways — they can’t demand privacy and privilege for their offspring while wildly using their unborn children to enhance flailing careers in need of stark reparation.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon cogently created, on purpose — “The Moron Twins” — for us, and you can’t blame us for the naming because we didn’t pick those horrible monikers while squeezing the nipples off our wife.