It’s time once again for Mr. Grumpy to Go Blogging! This is Round Three of the Mr. Grumpy Series on Blogging. Mr. Grumpy’s goal here is to point out misfortunate blog design choices and mistakes in meaning and incoherent content and creative choices that make blogging a painful experience for the rest of us instead of one built on Passion and Magnitude. Some of the following mandates come from Mr. Grumpy, some of them come from Mr. Grumpy’s readers — all come from eyes too swollen by bad blogs to afford us a good night’s sleep and that makes everyone grumpy! Let’s get started:
1. Huge anime pictures do not make you young and cool. You become sad and antiquated in our eyes.
2. Leave anything that sparkles on your party gown! We don’t like imitation sparkle on your blog because it is never well done and always looks cheap.
4. Don’t make your blog a series of links to other articles. Create original content and then use those links for deeper exploration of what you are arguing in your post.
5. Never role play! “I am the King of Siam and here are my beautiful Princes” gets really old and unfunny fast because you’re in competition with other pitiful pretend pseudo-royalty like “The Queen of Texas” and the “Duke of China.”
6. If you don’t have anything to say, don’t tell us that in the first sentence of your post — or anywhere else: “I don’t have anything to say so I’m going to tell you that over and over and over again every single day in a new message.”
7. Self-indulgent emotional outbursts that lead to cursing and festering rage are rarely effective. We really don’t care if your boyfriend is mean or if your neighbor’s dog ate your dinner or if no one understands you. We are your readers, not your therapist! Treat us as your intellectual equal, not your bottle of Prozac!
8. Never post poetry. EVER!
9. If someone ticks you off don’t talk about your revenge plans in your blog because lying isn’t interesting and if we want fantasy we’ll see King Kong instead and if you really carry out your revenge plans you’ll go to prison for a long, long time because your blog is evergreen evidence of your premeditation.
10. No Pirate Talking. EVER!
11. Pick a single category for your posts. The idea of categories is to break up your blog into niches of interest. We don’t want to read the same article twice, but we do just that when you can’t pick a single category. For those of us who read you via categorization instead of reading you randomly, let us have unique content, too. Your post should be about one thing, fit in one category, and leave it at that because then all your categories will be as content unique as your original post.
Always never use strikethrough. It is always never funny or clever. It always never was.
13. Don’t beg. We don’t want to donate to you via a PayPal button. You aren’t that interesting. We will not purchase anything on your Amazon Wish List. You aren’t that deserving. You blog because you must express a unique thought — not to beg a buck. You can make more money panhandling on a street corner.
14. Don’t use Google AdSense. We won’t click on your links. We don’t want advertising shoved down our throat by our fearless blog leader.
15. If you hate your parents, keep it to yourself because your vicious words will only come back to haunt you in your fancy career 20 years down the line as your hatred of the people who raised you comes to light out of the darkness of a web search. You have already told us too much and if we want more we’ll just do a search for the gory details you post every day about your rotten life on earth.
16. We don’t care about your sexual exploitations because we know you are making it all up. If you were truly as sexy and beautiful and rich and funny as you claim, you wouldn’t be blogging and begging us for money!
17. Don’t write skits. We don’t believe your “this really happened” scene settings and awful dialogue. We can see through you! All the witty things you meant to say yesterday that suddenly finds form in an online vent session where every word you claim to have said is now “funny” and on-point and important makes us laugh at you in a bad way you do not intend.
18. Use regular-sized fonts. We don’t want to struggle to read you.
19. Have a clear structure for navigating your blog. Don’t make us guess where to click for more information. You are not an interactive design genius we came online to discover. Just show us where to click and don’t make us keep wondering what’s wrong with you.
20. If you insist on providing music or video on your site, give us a way to immediately turn it off. The KILL button should be bigger than the Play button.
That’s it for Mr. Grumpy, Round Three! If you have anything we missed in the first three rounds, let us know and we’ll add it to the upcoming Part IV!