How Bristol Palin Ruined Dancing with the Stars and Why Nicki Minaj Tanked American Idol

Reality Television bores me now, but what really angers me is when television shows pretend to be honest contests when they’re really all a pre-determined setup from the get-go, just as we have indelibly learned this week with Bristol Palin’s horrible — but she’s staying! — routine on Dancing with the Stars; as well as Nicki Minaj’s fake meltdown with Mariah Carey on American Idol… which hasn’t even officially aired yet!

Websites like Vote for the Worst tend to take credit for contestants like Bristol Palin beating the odds and staying when it is really all about contractual agreements set in stone before the first dance begins:

They said it was impossible… She’s by far the worst dancer; She’s has the personality of a rock; She’s as likeable as the plague. But it doesn’t matter as VFTW and The Tea Party have done it once again as not only was Bristol safe, she wasn’t even in jeopardy! Meanwhile, VFTW and Bristol knocked off Joey Fatone, who even as the worst dancer in N’Sync can dance circles around Bristol.

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The New Face of a Thousand Lies: Ten Sentence Story #125

We know she is the keeper of her mother’s lies — and now she is the keeper of her own set of mistruths that will pile up to pattern her behavior and help make her, even more so, the reincarnation of Billy Carter.

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Bristol Palin Becomes Her Mother

Poor Bristol Palin.  She’s the keeper of her mother’s secrets.  She won Dancing with the Stars.  Now she’s morphing into her mother under the direction of a surgeon’s knife.  Can you believe the changes in her face?  She was once, bright, shining and full of hope, and now she’s been sliced and diced to mirror her mother.  What a sad circumstance for the formerly pregnant teen — now paid anti-pregnancy teen spokesmodel — who suckled over $262,000.00USD from the Candies foundation alone in 2009.

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Bristol Palin Wins Dancing with the Stars!

Last night, Bristol Palin won Dancing the Stars in spite of her continual infantile and insipid Baby Waving.  No, Bristol didn’t actually take first place — the shilly-shallying Jennifer Gray took the top spot by begging for pity for her bad back; Kyle Massey was the True Winner because he improved his dancing from nothing — but I digress.  Like Ashley Rodriguez before her winning American Idol 9 without ever competing, Bristol Palin’s place in our national, historical, canon of joke contenders is safe and as unyielding as her spiteful mother.  Bristol Palin won Dancing With the Stars merely by surviving into the finals when she had no right to be there in the first place.

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Bristol Palin: Keeper of the Lies

The most powerful person in Alaska is no longer Sarah Palin.  The most powerful person in Alaska is Sarah’s teenage daughter, and unwed mother, Bristol.  Bristol knows her mother’s secrets.  Bristol Palin is the Keeper of the Lies even as her mother starts her presidential bid for 2012.

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Down Syndrome Baby in a Box

This incredible image is allegedly Sarah Palin’s 2008 Christmas card.  I say “allegedly” because I am hoping against all reason Sarah Palin did not put her “son” Trig — an 8.5 month-old Down Syndrome baby — in a box eating a bow just to create a “cute” Christmas card.

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