There’s nothing better than talking to a robot on the phone at 11:00pm when you’ve been waiting over 15 hours for a delivery of a vital computer part to arrive from UPS into the root of your urban core.
My advice in defeating the UPS robot call center is to just keep saying, — Agent! — over and over and over again at every prompt until the robot voice lady gives up and chillingly feeds you into the queue to speak to a real live person with the personality of a robot.
In my neighborhood in the Jersey City Heights my regular UPS guy is great.
He lives up the block from me and if I have any sort of box to be delivered he brings it right to me at 9:00am no matter what shipping urgency was used because “he knows how it feels to wait all day for a box.”
He knows I get a lot of boxes.
Woe are the days my UPS friend isn’t working because then I become ordinary and ignored. When he isn’t working I am not worth the spit used to polish the boot soles of the brown-shirted UPS army of delivery goons.
Now we all have our delivery service horror tales but I’m telling you there is a severe problem here when 50% of my deliveries are not delivered on the proper day if my regular guy isn’t driving the truck. We live on a street that is only two blocks long.
Maybe that confuses non-routine drivers?
I was expecting an expensive and vital computer part yesterday. When 10:30am passed I knew my friend was not working and that I’d have an all-day wait for delivery satisfaction. When 3:30pm arrived and left I knew I was in trouble. If I don’t get a package — any package — by 3:30pm then I know the box isn’t coming.
You can’t however, call UPS to “inquire” until 7:00pm because that’s their cutoff time for Overnight deliveries to a residence.
So I called UPS at 7:33pm and I was told my box was “out for delivery” and it would arrive soon. I said I thought the cutoff time was 7:00pm for residential deliveries and Paula told me “the drivers stay out as long as it takes. I’ve seen them deliver packages at 10:30pm at night!” She assured me I was getting my box.
I wasn’t so sure. Here’s a screenshot from the UPS website taken at 11:02pm last night indicating my box was still “Out for Delivery:”
I called UPS and asked about the status of my box and I was told by Jason at UPS my box was going to be delivered “in a few minutes.” I knew he was lying.
He knew he was lying. We were in the midst of the “UPS Waiting Game” so I pressed him.
“My box is going to be delivered in a few minutes?”
“Will it be here by 11:30pm?”
“It will be there tonight, sir.”
“So if it arrives at 12:01am is that considered today or tomorrow?”
“Your box is on the truck sir, and it will be delivered tonight, sir.”
“I’m getting a little sleepy, Jason, how long do you think I should stay awake tonight waiting for the box?”
“The box is on the truck, sir, and it will be delivered today.”
When I hung up the phone I knew there was no box and Jason knew there was no box and together we knew “Overnight” really means “Two Day Delivery” and “Regular Ground” means “We’ll deliver it when we feel like it.” Tracking Numbers with delivery dates mean nothing because UPS can invent any exception they wish.
I just wish Jason dropped his script and said, “Look. It’s 11:00pm.
Your box isn’t coming tonight. It’ll be there Monday.”
If he had done that — if Jason had treated me like a real person with human needs and a life beyond being tied home all day waiting for a box that never arrived — I would have gone to bed happy and refreshed knowing UPS was a company that cared about reality and not smoke and illusion.
This morning I awoke boxless and when I logged on to the UPS website to track the status of my non-delivered package, I was amused to see the system had magically updated overnight to indicate the UPS delivery courier went back to the hub last night at 8:41pm:
I called UPS to see why the box wasn’t delivered — they usually blame it on the
customer not being available — and when I spoke to Melissa she told me three stories. The first was I was not home. I told her I was looking at the website and that exception was not listed. Then she told me my box arrived “too late to get on the truck in time for delivery.”
I asked why every UPS person yesterday promised me the box was on the truck if it was never on the truck? She changed her story again and said, “The delivery person overlooked your box on the truck and went back to the station thinking it had been delivered.” I asked her if she could page the central office and have a Supervisor call me back with an update on delivery.
Melissa told me “no one works on the weekends so they’ll get back to your Monday.”
I was at my bitter end. “Melissa,” I croaked, “Are you telling me no one is working at UPS over the weekend? I thought you were a 24/7 international company?”
“Well, we are,” she said, “But nobody’s going to call you back until Monday.”
Finally, I received a glimmer of truth from a UPS phone representative and I wondered if there might be hope, after all, for UPS to stop playing the waiting game and to start giving honest answers.
It really didn’t matter what suite of lies Melissa spread before me.
The bitter truth was my vital computer part delivery was delayed until Monday and I was dead in the water until then. My only hope is my regular delivery guy will find my box on Monday and fondly remember me by 9:00am so I don’t have to waste another entire day playing — and always losing — the UPS Waiting Game.